A Quiet Chaos

I had my first panic attack when I was 7 years old and I can remember it as clearly as though it were yesterday. I was growing up at the tail-end of the 80’s by that point, and the idea of mental health as a legitimate medical diagnosis especially at that young of an age was quite far away still (and can still be a problem even today as the world adjusts its outlook on mental health slowly over time).

From there through my teenage and adult years I’ve never lived a life without severe, debilitating anxiety with all of the mental, emotional and physical pain associated with it on a daily basis, every waking hour of my life.

As the years pressed on, even with medication and therapy, my condition deteriorated. It was about 2002 when I first became house-bound for extremely long periods of time (two years in total at this stage). My life was then littered with job losses, school failures (forced to drop out of university), relationships ending, instability, and so on; all hinged on my anxiety disorder.

During the day I couldn’t leave my home due to the anxiety and panic attacks and during the night I was experiencing severe night-terrors, sleep deprivation, panic attacks, and I was basically in a non-functional state 24/7.

I arrive early to work each day at 6:30am, a working shift I chose because I get at least a couple of hours without any human contact — if I could arrive even earlier, I would — and that gives me minor relief in terms of employment. I struggle to interact and hold relationships with people around of me even on the best of days. I negotiated at least one day per week where I don’t have to be physically in the office, though I worry every day they will claw that back from me. I rarely go out alone, preferring to go places with my wonderful spouse who is my love and my safety. On the weekends I am mostly housebound by choice.

Anxiety pervades every single thought that I have in every waking and sleeping moment. I continue to suffer from night terrors, sleep walking, panic attacks, severe pervasive emotional distress, endless fatigue, aches pains and IBS related directly to the anxiety, migraines, heart palpitations, frequent bouts of both anger and depression, the inability to focus or concentrate, overstimulation from sounds or sights, severe food sensory issues, and becoming overwhelmed on even the simplest of tasks particularly if they are not presented in a way I can digest.

This is just what I can think of in the moment, and I’m sure I could write a dissertation on the side effects of anxiety alone.

These effects follow me constantly, there is little to no relief. Through it all, I am still a coherent individual on paper, and I consider myself lucky to be able to communicate in this and similar manners.

I’ve worked on CBT and other therapies over the years which has not made a dent in any of it. Currently I am on several regular psychiatric medications which over the last 15 years has raised my functional state to a level that, while it falls far short of normal human functionality, has allowed me some areas of basic stability, such as a successful marriage, and a steady job.

But there is no cure for my illnesses, and I know that mental health even in the 21st century is a contentious issue. What I struggle with every hour of every day of my life is real, pervasive, and debilitating. It significantly lowers my quality of life and it puts my future in jeopardy.

This is a life lived with mental illness.